No worries Peter.
The ONLY advantage of losing my ability to work because of CH, is that I have time on my hands that others do not. So between attacks I can research for longer periods of time and sift through all the repetitious, duplicitous garbage in order to find the good stuff. I then try to get as many people onto the good research as I can, education always helps. Feedback from others tells me this is a useful tool. Someone on here said - "an educated CH patient is a good patient"? Or similar words to that effect.
Maybe it was my specialist, I don’t know…
I wish I was gainfully employed, but my CH got so bad I have not been able to work since 2004. Sympathy or "room to move" from employers just became too much to ask in the end. I had some very understanding employers, really good compassionate people. But at the end of the day they are there to make money not friends. They did not want to have people curled up under desks in conditions that pose a danger to themselves or others. Walking around a high-end electronics manufacturing facility post CH is good for no one.
I was working as a satellite microwave communications technician. I was good at what I did - a specialist in my field, with pride in my work. I worked on very expensive, intricate, microscopic high-end electronics. Some individual components I had to solder in were (FET) transistors made of gold, worth over $6000 each. Very small, sensitive and expensive. The margin for error was non-existent. I was soldering these things into units worth (US) a quarter of a million dollars each, all day during the 2003 Iraq war. So stuff-ups were not permitted, or people may have gotten killed as a result.
Can you imagine the pressure to get that right with tolerances down to the hundredth of a millimetre under blurry 50 times magnification, just after a cluster attack? It became virtually impossible due to the frequency of my CH. I hid my condition well and got away with it for a couple of years. Thanks only to 2 Methysergide (Deseril) swallowed on the way in the door at work and 12 Capadex a day whilst there. But I was guaranteed a force 10 attack exactly 8 hours later when the Deseril wore off. If I was ever asked to do overtime, it was a disaster...
Every day after work I collapsed into bed with a major rebound attack, by the time I had recovered it was time to go to work again. This was unsustainable.
6 Deseril a day for 4 years non stop ground my body to a halt. Liver tests were getting real bad, as Deseril is supposed to be used only episodically - 3 months on, 3 months off. Understanding of my condition was evaporating with my employer(s). I only managed to pull about 6 x 38 hour weeks in the last 18 months. Statistically not very reliable at all. I am surprised my work put up with me as long as they did.
They were as good about it as anyone could have expected them to be. But in the end, I conceded defeat and reluctantly gave up the best job I ever had in Feb 2004.
And with it, any future hopes for financial independence, freedom and security, like ever owning a house or a reasonable car etc.
It took 3 and a half years of not wanting to be pensioned off, before I finally won the battle to have my Cluster Headache recognised as a Disability in its own right. Then I was finally pensioned off in late 2007.
After 50 odd drug trials, I got sick of CH all the time. Talking about it, hearing about it, thinking about it, experiencing it, living with the threat of it - everything to do with it.
I wanted to crawl away and die.
But when I found this site and read some of the stories on here, I was horrified at what people were enduring in their own lives, mainly due to one thing - ignorance. I began to realise that my collective experiences were of some merit to other people. This is when I decided (with encouragement from my specialist) to crawl out of my darkened room and make the effort to try and help others on this site.
I don't know any more about CH than anyone else on here. But I do know how to navigate the ever changing and highly political rocky waters of the Australian health and welfare systems. I am here to help someone get access to the drug they never knew existed. Access to treatments they were told are unavailable. Access to specialist care they have been denied. Access to disability services and a safety net income through welfare agencies.
Advocacy is what I am about.
I have a stack of paperwork 3 feet high that documents my personal journey and disintegration from gainful employment, navigating through many welfare and disability agencies, through medical and personal assistance schemes, rehabilitation schemes, all the way to getting CH formally recognised as a form of disability. I don't know why I kept it, it is a sad indictment of Australia's health/welfare system and my battles with it. But the experience gained from this documented journey has to be worth something to someone else out there.
Being alone with CH sucks, I did that for 20 years. I feel compelled to help those who are suffering alone in their little flats, banging their heads against the wall, either figuratively or literally. Losing their jobs, trying to have others around them believe what they say and help them.
If I was well enough I would be an advocate for CH. I would consult with other patients and write on the subject. Do things like have "Cluster awareness week" show up on TV and in the media. Just thrash the CH story over and over publicly, until the average person in the street may have some understanding of what it is that we live through every day. I would push it as hard as other diseases are pushed in the media. But this is a pipe dream for me. If I was well enough to advocate CH, I would be employed once again.
I think a lot of CH patients have episodes where CH is the worst thing in the world to have ever happened to them. The headaches stop and the path of least resistance is to shut up and go back to work. I don't blame them, I would too. Society encourages silence and participation in the workforce. I still have daily troubles with having the term "Headache" effectively convey the severity of my condition to the rest of the world. It is a disability.
Little blue signs with pictures of wheelchairs on them do not help society to recognise CH as a disability. We need a sign for public toilets that has a symbol signifying an axe jammed into someone's forehead before we will get any public recognition.
Due to their solitary nature, I use disabled toilets to inject Imigran then recover from attacks, generally hang off the rails, dispose of my sharps, rinse my face off in the sink, then venture forth once the attack has been aborted. You should see the looks and comments I get from members of the public when I "walk" out of a disabled toilet. They expect to see a wheelchair, or a permit, or some more visible form of disability.
I apologise for the rant. My recent research into disability forums in the last few days has been disheartening. Everything there seems to ignore disabilities that are not immediately and visually apparent to the naked eye. The public perception still unfortunately revolves around the image of a person in a wheelchair. I have nothing bad to say about the “wheelies”, in fact – they are the ones who understand why I am forced to use a disabled toilet to abort an attack. They get marginalised too and generally do not make assumptions or sweeping generalisations about the appearances of disabled people. As I leave a disabled toilet with my bleary eyes, looking pasty, sweaty and grey, I have never once been glared at by someone waiting in a wheelchair.
So, this is why I spend my time researching and writing these expansive posts, in the hope that I can do my bit to raise awareness. It could be you who needs to hide out in a disabled toilet one day.
I know this thread is called "Why do you get them?"
But I ask the broader question of society: "Why DON’T you "get" them?"
I hope we can all get some recognition for CH in the wider world.
It would help a lot of “normal” people to understand.
Roger has made an immense contribution to the cause in creating this platform for us.
I commend his efforts in building this site, whilst being a CH patient at the same time.
Put your hands together for Roger people!
Sorry to everyone for the lengthy novels I write…
Thanks for reading.
Cheers, Ben.
This post was edited on 14/03/2011 at 11:29 am